Perception

Why do we struggle so much with how we are perceived by the world? As I write these blog posts, a part of me wonders what my friends and family would think if they were to see this. Even worse, another part of me is more worried about what the casual acquaintance or someone I meet in the future will think of me if they were to read these thoughts. This is the part of myself that I am trying to let go of. If I want to be able to live an honest, open, and transparent life, I can’t be dragged down by the little voice in my head that screams at me when I’m awkward or make even the slightest mistake in front of others.

Some of the most beautiful conversations I have had in the last few weeks were those when I was able to be open and transparent with another person about what has been going on in my life. I have been able to go deep with several people that I would categorize as casual acquaintances, and yet all of them have shared the same experiences of depression, self-criticism, and self-doubt. These are the conversations that have made me feel ok and actually excited about experiencing a sense of connection again, even if it only lasts for the length of the conversation. I have also noticed over the same period many people that are unwilling to open up. These people tend to be the ones that fill their time with as much distraction and stimulation as possible, be it drugs or alcohol, social media, or even work. On the outside they present to the world that everything in their life is great with endless social media posts and talks about their recent purchases or exciting trips they have planned. Are we to believe there are some people that just don’t have these same feelings of self doubt & pain? People who have life figured out and have been perfect from birth?

If I had to take a guess, I would say probably not. The reason I say this is when I have exhibited these same symptoms, I have been at my most unhappy points in life. Often if you pause and dig a little deeper, its pretty easy to see that the external veil of perfection is only for show, and there’s usually a lot of pain and suffering underneath that’s being neglected. The problem is, we usually don’t take the time to think about why someone is posting pictures of their amazing trip or new car. We usually just compare ourselves to their successes in that brief moment. This drudges up those same feelings of doubt and criticism about ourselves, and it feels like the only way to cure it is by going on an even better trip or getting an even better car to show off. As you can see it looks like an endless cycle that we have gotten ourselves into.

So why do we go through this destructive process of one-upping each other and self-comparison, if what really makes us happy is being able to feel vulnerable with other people and share a deeper connection? For me it has been the inability to shut off that little voice in my mind that points out all of my flaws and tells me that I am worthless compared to the rest of the world. Through the process of self-love and self-compassion, I am starting to grow another voice in my head says I am worthy of these connections, worthy of feeling good, and worthy of positive relationships with others. This voice realizes that we are all so complex and multi-faceted, and while there’s always going to be someone that’s going to outperform you in any a given area, your own uniqueness lends itself to it’s own type of perfection because it can’t be replicated elsewhere. I don’t think there’s a way to make that negative voice go away for good, but by feeding the positive one I hope that he’s going to be the one to guide me through life.

So, do I worry that presenting my feelings and struggles here is going to make me look weak and damage my perception in the eyes of others? Absolutely… But, I am relying on that positive voice in my head to be my best friend and support me no matter what kind of reaction I receive. Because how do we start breaking these negative cycles if we don’t start putting ourselves in uncomfortable positions? And more importantly being there to comfort ourselves when we fail?