Book Review: Self-Compassion

It has been about a month since I started this book and a week since I have finished it, and I can tell that this is going to be one of the more transformative books that I have read or will read. I can’t say that it will have the same effect on everyone as it had on me. For me, this book came at the right time when I was at a low point of self-criticism and self-doubt, and I was in a situation with minimal support structures around me. However, since starting the book I have seen almost non-stop applications out in the world where the concept of self-compassion would dramatically improve a situation if applied.

Dr. Kristen Neff, author of Self-Compassion, is a professor of human development at the University of Texas at Austin, and she has dedicated her research to understanding how this concept of self-compassion works and plays out in our lives. If you are unaware (like I was before reading this book), the concept of self-compassion is pretty straightforward. Basically, the idea is to give yourself empathy or sympathy when you experience suffering. Dr. Neff explains that default programming of self-criticism is basically an evolutionary trait that we’ve inherited. It causes us to subordinate ourselves to the rest of society so that we have a safe place in the social pack – at the bottom.

Being at the bottom of the social pack isn’t something that many people strive for. But in reality, when we constantly criticize ourselves for every situation we find ourselves in, we are basically bee-lining to the bottom of our confidence. This results in depression, anxiety, and general miserableness. The only solution on this path is to force yourself into better social standings by focusing your life on constant comparison and one-upping against others. You end up sourcing your happiness from external validation (new car, new clothes, fancy trips, social media likes, etc). This is a path that seeks to feed the ego and protect it at any cost. The issue is that the happiness derived from these types of things are not sustainable, because there is always someone that will be better or have better things than you, and external events won’t always go your way no matter how hard you try. This leads to an uncomfortable roller coaster of highs and lows in life.

Self-Compassion is Dr. Neff’s alternative solution to a happiness derived from the pursuit of a big ego. By being kind to ourselves (she even suggests literally holding yourself at times as practice of self-compassion), we are able to be comfortable even during our worst moments of suffering. During those moments, she suggests reciting different mantras of self love & appreciation, and to give yourself positive thoughts to replace the seemingly endless storm of criticism that we usually fall into whenever we are down on ourselves. She also recommends relating to the rest of the world whenever you are in a state of suffering. Typically we tend to isolate ourselves during times of pain, but she drives home the fact that suffering is a part of human nature, and despite what people present on the outside, we all experience pain that we cope with in some form or fashion. Instead of the whole world building up these isolating walls of egos to protect ourselves from experiencing pain, Dr. Neff offers a way to have a more connected society by sharing in all of the aspects of humanity – both pleasure and pain. It makes sense; being able to connect with others during times of suffering would clearly shorten the depth and duration of our suffering.

So what has this book done for me? Since learning about just the basic concept, I have experienced a fundamental shift in my personal resiliency. I have experienced a lot of depression and anxiety, both throughout my life and in recent months, and my ability to cope during those feelings have improved dramatically. I have been able to adopt an attitude almost as if I can do no wrong. It sounds like narcissism at face value, but it is really a profound knowledge that even if my actions result in an unfavorable consequence, I am going to be ok with myself and my situation. This gives you a sort of profound confidence and willingness to experience new opportunities, because there the potential suffering associated with failure is minimized.

Maybe this type of confidence is already default for the majority of the population, but it was pretty revolutionary for me. To be fair, I didn’t grow up with a religion that enforced a sense of self-worth. When it came to competitive sports where confidence is normally fortified, I really wasn’t that interested (maybe I was already afraid of my inner criticism if I failed). Our family was never apart of any social groups where you gain a sense of where you fit into society, and while my parents were always supportive and loving of me, I took pretty much everything they said about me with a discount because they were, well, my parents. I think all of these factors (along with a genetic disposition to depression) compounded into an extreme circumstance where self-worth wasn’t in my vocabulary for the first 26 years of my life. But looking out at all of the pain and suffering in the world, I know I am not alone.

So I don’t think this book is necessarily for everyone. However, if you are on a journey of pursuing personal growth and don’t know where to start, I highly recommend starting with this book. I have been reading self-improvement books for the last 3 or so years, and there is a limit to how much any of these can help if you are overly critical of yourself when your efforts of improvement fall short. Dr. Neff also speaks a lot about mindfulness and meditation in this book, and I would highly recommend following her recommendations and further expanding with other books on the subject. The emotional awareness is critical for your ability to identify with the journey of self-compassion, and I think my previous exposure to mindfulness and meditation put me in a great position to absorb the powerful mental framework that this book has to offer.